My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.