Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
the rocks need my help
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
scrabbled eggs
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Breaking news:
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.