Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?