My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri