“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
synchronized noseblowing
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*