Raisins are grape jerky.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.