This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?