A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job