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[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table