[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
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*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I have a type: disappointing
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
What is going on? 😅
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy