“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
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take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”