My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Yup
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
All is fair in drunk and war.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.