When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
You Might Also Like
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.