I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I told my vodka about you.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
No regrets in 2018
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.