I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Said the murderer.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I’d hang this in my house.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%