Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
You Might Also Like
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
time machine? you mean a clock?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another