*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.