A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
“Sheer Arrogance”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The Sun
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating