I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.