Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.