Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?