Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾