Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
You Might Also Like
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.