me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The first one, obviously
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”