remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE