[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Teach your children to beatbox
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.