My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”