Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Still cracks me up
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.