I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”