[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower