no such thing as a dumb question
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help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
me refusing to leave twitter
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.