[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Just so funny
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up