Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver