When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
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Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My whole life was a lie.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio