You Might Also Like
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.