I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
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Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If looks could kill
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus