My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”