They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’ve been drinking.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Planet of the Apps.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.