Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
That’s fair
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.