To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Raisins are grape jerky.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.