Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point