EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.