[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person