me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.