You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Tremendous stuff
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I laughed at this way too hard.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
There’s always that one guy
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet