Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I love twitter
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Are we there yet?…
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends