We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
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[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Well, that should do it
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.