Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork