All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*me flirting
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
2023 was just a warmup
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it