The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
this has done me in for some reason
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!